


Recruitment To Love

by BennettGumball



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: A Lot of Hurt That Ends In Love, Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Military, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ex-Military Emma Swan, F/F, Forgiveness, Girl Penis, Girl Penis Emma Swan, Healing, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Hatred, Self-Hatred turned to Self-Love, Slow Build Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan, U.S. Navy SEALs, eventually, have a box of tissues ready, honorable discharge, mentions of abandonment, mentions of divorce
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2019-09-17 07:56:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16970733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BennettGumball/pseuds/BennettGumball
Summary: A National Hero, a Navy SEAL, a veteran. Someone to be treated with the utmost respect for the service of their country. For their selflessness and sacrifice. Someone, unlike Emma. She didn't deserve the metals on her coat, she didn't deserve the award on her wall, the praise they gave her. She was nothing but a lie and a cheat who barely made it out of her death. All she had to show for it was a ruined body. And the lie that it reminded her off. But somehow, all of that didn't match up to the look she got when she returned home.Regina, the one person who she ever really loved. The one person who ever understood her. The one person who gave her the family she never thought she'd have. And the one person who hated her more than she hated herself. The only thing Emma truly deserved. She didn't deserve to think about how Regina's eyes sparkled when she smiled. The way her heartbeat when Emma laid her head on her chest. She didn't deserve forgiveness from the person family she abandoned and left for nothing. She deserved none of it and even through that, she longed. She wanted and begged for one thing. Just to feel Regina's lips on hers for one last time. But would the only person she had to prove herself to forgive her?





	1. Honorable Discharge

Emma stepped off the cargo hold, disappointment and guilt weighing down her bones. The bottom half of her arm burned in pain, wrapped in burn healing bandages. Her leg wasn’t any better off, the top half of her thigh screaming out in agony every step she took. The pain rubbed it in her face over and over every time she moved. Only making her feel worse. The sounds of the airport filled her empty head as she stalked around blankly. Her bookbag felt extra heavy around her shoulders as she climbed into the all black jeep that was waiting for her.

 

“Swan,” They called out, saluting as they saw her. Emma copied and faintly smiled as they opened the large door for her. But as soon as it shut, another wave hit her, making her heavy all over again. The car ride was smooth as she left the military base, immediately getting onto the interstate and speeding down. Of course, she had a police escort, they thought of her as a hero. An idol. Someone greater than themselves. But Emma…..Emma was none of that. She was just another veteran, soon to be kicked out on her ass just like the rest.  The car soon pulled onto a dirt road and fear went through Emma in a way she hadn’t experienced on the front line. Soon the car jolted to a stop and the trunk opened first, pulling her out of her head. She opened her door and hands were by her sides, trying to help her out. She pushed them away, determined to do it herself. She could do it herself. Her boots thudded against the ground and she bit her tongue at the pain that went through her leg as she stood up straight.

 

“Here’s your bag Lieutenant,” The private said, handing it to her. Emma let out a strained nod and took it, walking forward. “Thank you for your service.”

 

“Don’t,” Emma wrasped, glaring back at him. Her gaze softened thought, letting a thin smile before turning back to the house in front. It was less like a house and more like the Beckingham Palace. Pearly white and red brick clashed together perfectly, setting gently against the black stairs that led up. Intricate designs were carved into the doorframe and a gold knocker rested against the said door. She let out a deep shaking breath before lifting the knocker, letting it fall with a thud, echoing. There was chattering from behind it and Emma recognized every voice that spoke. Even the one that said nothing. Soon, the lock clicked and she closed her eyes, preparing for an impact on her face. Instead, arms were thrown around her, pulling her close.

 

“Emma! Emma, you’re ok,” The person said, their voice much lighter than she thought it was.

 

“Mom,” She whispered, tears threatening to break free. “Mom.”

 

“Yes, Emma, it’s me,” Her mother, Mary Margaret cried, hugging her tightly. “God, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much. My beautiful daughter.”

 

Emma tried her best to relax in her mother’s arms, patting her back lightly, ignoring the pain that ripped through her left appendages. “Mom, Mom let me go.”

 

“Hm? Oh, ok ok,” Mary said, wiping away her tears. “I’m just so glad you’re here. I’m so glad.”

She stepped aside for Emma to enter, the blonde pulling her bag around her shoulder as she stepped inside. The door shut behind her as Emma turned to the left, holding herself back as the emotion roared through her. They were all there, all of them. And they all looked at her like she was broken, all except for one.

 

“Regina…” Emma whispered, not managing to break her eyes away from the brown that looked into hers.

 

“Emma,” A deeper, more solid voice said, walking up to her. Her father, Emma recognized, relaxing. “It’s so, so good to see you.” His voice broke but they both chose to ignore it. “God, I’m so glad you're ok,” He whispered, kissing her forehead, pulling her into a hug. Even if she stood at 6’1, he still was able to block her vision. Soon, he let her go, giving her a curt nod as she turned to the rest.

 

“Holy shit, it’s so weird seeing you like this,” Her best friend, Ruby, said coming in front of her. “All alive and so unlike what they told us happened.”

 

“Ruby!” Her parents hissed at the blonde’s friend and she shrugged.

 

“I don’t know why we’re not talking about it. They said she was dead and she’s not. Don’t act like you're all not freaking the fuck out.”

 

“This is not the time,” Mary said, glaring at her and Emma shook her head.

 

“It’s fine, it doesn’t bother me,” Emma said, suddenly hate the way her voice sounded. Out the corner of her eye, she noticed Regina flinch at the way she spoke.

 

“See? It’s fine but holy shit again Swan. You’re alive,” Ruby said, putting her hands on either side of Emma’s face. “Never thought I’d see you again, now I gotta remember exactly what you look like.”

 

“You’re still weird Ruby, something that didn’t change,” Emma let out, genuinely smiling for once that day. Ruby smiled at her, the motion devoid of all joking manners and stepped out of her way, leaving her with the final two. Emma dropped her bag at the sight and tears almost burst out of her.

 

“Henry,” She whispered as her son came up to her, clinging himself to her chest.

 

“Ma,” He whispered, his teenage voice breaking at the extra stress. “Ma, Ma, you’re, you’re here.” His tears started to create a wet spot on her jacket and Emma hugged him through the newly sprouting pain.

 

“I’m here. I’m so sorry Henry, I’m so sorry,” She said, kissing his head, over and over. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“No Ma, it’s, it’s ok. It’s ok, it wasn’t your fault,” He said, trying to fall deeper into her arms.

 

 _If only you knew,_ Emma thought but hugged her son, focusing on the very thing she ran away from.  After what felt like seconds, Henry pulled away. Emma wiped away the tears she let fall and held his face looking deeply into his eyes.

 

“I love you, Henry, I love you so much,” Emma croaked, kissing his forehead.

 

“I love you too Ma, and that’ll never change,” He said. God, how he had grown. They pulled away from each other and Emma took a breath before looking forward, meeting her eyes.

 

“Regina...” She whispered and the older woman winced, looking away.

 

“Emma…...good to see you,” She said curtly, nothing breaking through her tone. Even if she hid what was flowing inside, Emma knew. Emma always knew and they both knew that. Her eyes also told the truth. “I'm glad……...I’m glad you’re ok.”

 

“Yeah,” Emma dryly chuckled. “Me-me too.” Regina pursed her lips together and turned away from her, looking out onto the lake outside. A small message that both of them understood. _Later_.

 

“I’ll help you to your room Ma,” Henry said, trying to pick up her black bag, SEALS painted on it in a light gray. “No problem.”

 

“It’s alright Henry. I got it,” Emma reached for it with her left hand, not paying attention as she tried to lift. Pain shot through her and she cried out loudly, everyone trying to come to her aid. She pulled her hand back, holding it with the other and blinking tears away quickly.

 

“Don’t strain yourself,” Her father said. “We got it and the rest. You head up.”

 

“I can-” Emma started but her mother glared.

 

“We got it. You head to your room and nap while we prepare dinner. It’s alright,” Mary said and Emma sighed.

 

“Right, my room,” She sighed and looked over at Regina. The brunette was gone like she had disappeared in the commotion. Emma walked to the stairs and Henry followed, walking next to her.

 

“We gotta talk later, you and me. You need to catch me up,” Emma said, putting her right hand on the back of his neck, rubbing it lovingly. He grinned and blushed.

 

“Yeah Ma, there’s a lot. But um for right now, can I tell you one thing?” He said, nervousness in his voice.

 

“Yeah, yeah sure. What is it?” Emma asked, suddenly concerned.

 

“Um, while you were…...away, I made some discoveries,” Henry said.

 

“Like what? You’re only 14, not a lot you’d be discovering, especially without me,” She joked and Henry laughed.

 

“Nothing like that but…...I’m uh...I’m bi,” Henry said hesitantly. “I know I should have written you a letter while you were away but-”

 

“Mmm mm no, I get where you’re coming from, Hen. I don’t blame you, it's something we need to talk about in person. But I don’t know what you were so nervous, you know I wouldn't be mad.” Her leg started to call out for her attention, begging her to stop climbing stairs. She ignored it and kept her face together as her son spoke.

 

“I know but, it’s just, it’s just scary. I know that you and Mom are together and that neither of you would mind, it’s just mind-wrecking,” He said, chuckling.

 

“You’re all good Henry, all good.” She said, pulling him into a side hug. “Now I’ve been gone so long, you need to lead me to my room.”

 

“Yeah sure. It’s down here,” Henry said, smiling at her. Her father’s footsteps were behind her, causing her head to shake and she closed her eyes.

 

_Heavy drops of booted footsteps were the only thing she heard was she was lead down the hallway. They stepped in light puddles of water or at least that’s what Emma thought it was. The bag over her head gave no leeway in sight and the tight rope around her neck dragged her along, creating a red mark around her paler than usual skin. But the footsteps, the footsteps echoing through her head and it was the only thing she heard. And also one of the last things she heard before she was thrown in a chair, a large metal sound creaking and shaking the cell as it closed. Emma was alone and sound had left her._

 

“Emma? Ma?” She heard two voices say and looked up, seeing her father and Herny ahead of her. “Why’d you stop?”

 

“No…..no reason. Just tired,” She lied.

 

“Uh, ok. We’re here,” Henry said, pushing open the door. Her father set her bag on the bed and patted her shoulder before heading out. “If you need anything, we’ll be downstairs. Ok, Ma?”

 

“Yeah, Henry, ok. I love you,” She said, smiling at him. He smiled back.

 

“I love you too Ma,” He said and gently closed the door, leaving it open a crack. The hall light shined through and it did a lot for her, more than she’d ever admit. Emma sat on the bed, staring at the bag which would soon create a dent if she left it there any longer. Deciding she’d unpack it later after she found out where she would permanently stay. She already knew Regina wouldn’t want her in the same room. She set the bag down on the floor as gently as she could and started to undress, leaving her uniform in a pile next to her stuff. Laying down, she looked over at the barren side next to her, reaching her arm out to it. The cold sheets felt unnormal under her palm and she gripped them, tears forming. It was her fault, it was all her fault. If only she hadn’t gone away, if only she hadn’t run. She would still be with Regina and she would still be loved by the only person that mattered.

 

Emma couldn’t hold back any longer and sobs shook through her, curling up into a ball. Her fault, it’s her fault. Anything and everything that all dealt with her, it was her fault. The love of her life despised her and she was painted as a hero instead of a murderer. Guilt left in the form of tears and drenched the spot under her face. Exhaustion from the trip and just holding herself together overtook her and Emma soon found herself drifting to sleep. But not before she grabbed a pillow from the opposite side, taking deep breaths into it. It was like she was there like she was still with her. But she wasn’t and it was her fault. Just as everything else.

 

*** * ***

 

Dinner passed by just as fast as it passed through Emma’s system. Agonizingly slow. It wouldn’t have been bad and she might have honestly enjoyed it but there was an absence that was just too much for her. Regina’s seat was empty, the wood cold the same as half of the food on Emma’s plate. Before she knew it, her food was taken and Emma was left at the table alone, lost in her thoughts. Until a hand was placed on her shoulder and out of instinct, she winced, wanting to curl in on herself and scream for her life.

 

“Emma, it’s just me, your mom,” Mary said, smiling down at her daughter. Emma still found it hard to relax. “I just wanted to tell you that we’re getting ready to leave, well us and Ruby of course. Henry was going to spend the night but he wanted to stay for you.”

 

 _The opposite of I for him_ , Emma thought and grinned at her mom. “Yeah, ok mom, thanks for coming.” She stood and hugged her again

 

“It’s alright dear, I just wanted to see you again,” Mary said, holding Emma close. “It’s still so good to see you.”

 

“You too, mom,” Emma said, through her words held no meaning. _Just like the rest of you._

 

“Well be back in a few days, to help you settle in. Give you a tour of the town again,” She said smiling.

 

“I doubt Storybrooke has changed in the time I left,” Emma joked.

 

“Mmm, you’ll take that statement back. In the 6 years you were gone, Regina’s done a lot as mayor,” She said. “Wonderful once you think about it, a woman like that is your wife.”

 

“Yeah, my wife,” Emma said strained and her mother smiled. “

 

“Anyway, we’re going to head out. Come say goodbye to your father and Ruby.”

 

They walked to the entrance room and they were waiting, chatting among themselves. She and her father barely let any words out, both afraid of anything they had to say. They swapped hugs instead, a silent bond between them. Ruby gave her a large hug, overexaggerating as usual.

 

“Ugh! I’m gonna miss you so much. Remember to come to Granny’s soon, you know she’s missed you,” Ruby said. “Plus I got all types of gossip to tell you, stuff Regina would glare at me for if I said a word of it next to her.”

 

“Yeah Ruby, sure,” Emma said laughing. She always managed to raise her mood. Soon, the three of them left, Emma waving them goodbye as the two cars pulled out of the driveway. She shut the door behind, locking it and starting to walk. She knew it was coming soon, she knew she had to face her. She just couldn’t force herself too. She walked through the living room first, seeing Henry passed out on the couch, the TV blaring on. She grabbed the remote and turned it off, throwing a blanket over him. He grumbled in his sleep and turned, pulling it upwards, over his face. Emma walked through the dining room, seeing that the chairs were all pushed in neatly and aligned, all except where she sat. She stared at the empty seat, wanting to break it in half and leaving before she almost did it. Emma made it to the downstairs hallways and turned, running her head on the gold and green wallpaper they had picked out when first moving in 16 years ago. Down that hall, she heard and door open and looked up, locking eyes with the very woman she wanted to avoid. Regina stared her up and down and turned away, walking out adjoining doors to the lakeside. It was time. Emma took the deepest breath she could conjure and followed, the hallway suddenly feeling much much longer. Soon she reached the door and stepped outside, closing them after.

 

Regina sat at one of the two wooden tables they had put out for campfires whenever they wanted to do them. She was turned away from the house, staring at the lake, watching the wind shake the still water. Emma sat across from her, looking down, waiting for her to speak. What felt like hours had passed until the silence broke.

 

“You remember when we first swam in there?” She asked, catching Emma off guard. “It was before we knew I was pregnant with Henry, about 4 weeks before.”

 

“Yeah….yeah, I remember,” Emma said, looking up. Regina was still turned away but she tapped her nails against the table’s surface.

 

“You played a prank on me, hiding under the water until you couldn’t breathe. I thought you had drowned and started to cry. When you surfaced and saw me, you held me and said ‘I’d never leave you, Gina, you’re my world. My fairytale ending’. Then you said you love me and I said it back. You had just turned 22 and I was 24, we didn’t know what the future held but we did know one thing………..we’d always have each other.” Regina finished her story and silence fell upon them again. Emma couldn’t take it.

 

“I’m……..I’m so sorry Regina, I shouldn’t have left you, not by yourself. I shouldn’t have left Henry, he was a kid and he needed me. You needed me, neither of us knew how to raise a kid. I don’t know what I was thinking, I don’t think I was even thinking. I should have stayed, I should have been the wife I promised you to be, I should have been the mom I promised Henry I’d be,” Her composure fell apart in front of the person who tore her walls down all those years ago.

 

“You should have, that we both know,” Regina said, her voice shaking, only making Emma feel worse. “You should have thought of the consequences, of what could have happened. What if you died Emma? Who would Henry have to go to about his problems, the ones I couldn’t handle. You had a family and you only thought for yourself. You have always been that way and you need to face it this time.”

 

“I know,” Emma said sniffling. “I’ll do anything you want me to, just name it. I’ll move out, I’ll leave on the streets. I’ll get on my knees every morning and night, begging for you to forgive me. I’ll sit in the lake, freezing until you say. Just anything, anything for you to forgive me.”

 

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive you, Emma,” Regina said, tears spilling down her cheeks. “You broke my heart with each year you didn’t return. Henry’s too, even if he won’t admit it. And I know he’ll forgive you, he’ll always love you indefinitely. But I……..I don’t even want to think about loving you again.”

 

Regina stood with those last words and wiped her face. “I know you already suspected you aren’t staying in the same room at me and you’re correct. You’ll be in the room three doors down on the right. You know where that is.” Of course, she did, it was her old training room. Once she turned 30, they converted it into a guest room. “There’s new bedding on the mattress all the stuff. You can stay here, keep up the facade with your family. All I ask of you is that you give me my space, I still haven't had enough of it in the past 6 years.”

 

“Are we going to get a divorce?” Emma asked before she could think.

 

“That depends on you. Good day, Swan.” Regina left and Emma heard the doors close behind her. Emotions crashed through her and she started to sob, falling to her knees. This is what she deserved and through all the torture, the flashbacks….it was worse than anything she had gone through.


	2. Swan

Emma laid awake, staring up at the ceiling. The fan spun in slow circles creating a creaking sound that kept her up. She groaned, turning to the side and staring into the darkness. The room was empty, nothing in place. There was only a bed, a closet, and a bathroom. No dark wood vanity, no purple rug perfectly centered on the ground, no rack of heels hanging on the back of the bathroom door. Not even another nightstand with a pair of glasses angled perfectly for when she woke up. No Regina. Emma pushed her head into the pillow, muffling any sounds that might have come from her. It bore a tunnel in her heart, one that she couldn’t ignore. Normally, she could deal with anyone hating her, with anyone wanting her to die but Regina….it was Regina. The one person she loved more than her son. Emma felt tears starting to soak the pillow and sat up, backing up against the headboard. The more she thought, the more tears fell, running down her cheeks. Regina, Regina, Regina. Emma held the blanket to her face, muffling her cries. Flashes of her went through Emma’s mind and the sight of her crying earlier followed each one. Regina never cried and the times she did, Emma knew she meant it. When her brother died and when Henry was born. Only twice Emma had seen her cry. And if she cried over Emma today, how many other times did she this past 6 years? Emma hiccuped, a wail sneaking through. She couldn’t recognize her voice and the tears hitting her face only made her want to cry more. But she didn’t, throwing the blanket off her. Emma got up, wiping the tears away with her shirt. Out of sight, out of mind. Groaning as her foot hit the ground, she stood up. Even the carpet felt wrong but she ignored it, walking towards the door. 

 

Emma brushed her hair out of her face and walked down the hallway, leaning on the wall for support. Even if she had thought about her house every day since she left, it still felt unknown to her. The floor didn’t make a sound under her weight as she reached Henry’s room. She remembered that it used to creak and Regina had always scolded her into fixing it. ‘I’ll get to it,’ is what she always answered and then immediately forgot about it. Emma almost chuckled but stopped, frowning. She had no right to smile, to laugh when she knew she caused them pain. Years of it. Shaking her head, Emma cracked open his door, looking in. The entire room was dark except for a nightlight in the corner, next to his bed. It was new, unknown to her. Henry was afraid of the dark, just as she was. And she wasn’t here for him during that. Of course, she wasn’t. She missed out, just like everything else. A weight sat itself on her shoulders and she forced herself to close the door before she stood there for the rest of the night. 

 

She shuffled down the hall, passing the stairs and looking down. Darkness arose from and fear ran up Emma’s spine, wrapping a hand around her throat. She stared down at it and lights flashed past her eyes, taking her back. 

 

_ “I don’t know!” Emma screamed, tears streaming down her face. They stood before her, staring down. Suddenly the blindfold went back over her eyes and then the wet rag followed by water. Emma struggled to breathe and her legs gave out under her, the chains on her wrists holding her up. She knew what was next, it always followed after the water. Fists and pipes met her stomach and legs and she cried out from under the rag. They kept at it for hours, just like they always did and when they stopped, they left her. Hanging, bleeding and barely holding on to life. And as that door shut, she was left in the darkness, blindfold over her face, hiding her tears. _

 

Emma backed away from the stairs and sunk against the wall, grasping her shirt. She took in fast breaths and let them out almost faster, her head spinning. Tears fell from her eyes as her head knocked back against the wood wall. She sat there for what felt like hours, trying to regain herself. Every time she thought she calmed down, she’d be sent back to the room, to the dungeon. The only place that she really belonged. And she would have stayed there if it wasn't for a familiar creaking coming from the room a few doors down. Willing herself to get up, Emma walked down the hall, wiping tears for her face. 

 

The door was already cracked open and Emma stared through it, her heart almost stopping. Regina stood in perfect view, holding something in her hands. The light from the bathroom was behind her, creating a perfect silhouette that showed all of her curves. Regina brought the thing in her hand up to her face and in the light, Emma saw what it was. Her SEALS t-shirt she left in there earlier. She hadn’t had the will to ask for it back. Tears ran down Regina’s cheeks and she sniffled, bringing the fabric up to her nose. She took a breath and more tears ran down from her cheeks. A sob broke from her and Emma had to keep herself from rushing to her side. Regina backed away and sat on the bed, pushing her knees up to her face, holding her legs. She started to cry more, breaking away at Emma’s control. It was her fault, she caused this. Regina never cried, she never cried. Emma had broken the one person who had a stone exterior throughout anything. And with each minute that had passed, she wanted to rush to her, to be by her side. Suddenly, Regina looked over to the door and glared, anger filling her eyes. 

 

“Go away Emma, I don’t want to see you,” She said and Emma laid her head against the doorframe. Of course, she had been caught. 

 

Emma couldn’t stop herself as she walked through the door, just barely in the room. “Regina, I-”

 

“No,” The woman said, looking her up and down. “No, just not……...not now. It’s too late and I want to be alone.” 

 

“Regina…”

 

“Stop saying my name like that,” She snapped. “Go, just please go.” Emma hung her head and shame and backed out of the room, heading back to the guest's room. Behind her, she heard the door close with force but it was still gentle. But before she reached the stairs, Regina came out of the room, looking down at her. They meet eyes, emotions daring in both gazes. “Tomorrow, after Henry leaves for school. We’ll……..we’ll talk.” Regina quickly went back into her room and shut the door, leaving Emma in darkness. But this time, she didn’t drown in fear. She drowned in hope. And it was one good feeling she had had in a while.

 

*** * ***

 

Regina and Henry road down the street, passing by Granny’s on the way to his school. It was quiet and she didn’t have any music playing, unlike any other morning. Even if he was only 14, he knew she was thinking about her. Henry knew she loved her even if she hid it. He knew that ever since the Navy sent that letter 3 weeks ago, saying she was coming back after being rescued, she was on Regina’s mind.

 

“Do you think she’ll be ok?” Henry asked, causing Regina’s fingers to flex on the steering wheel.

 

“Emma’s a big girl, she’ll survive,” Regina said stopping at a red light. “Why?” 

 

“You read what they said. Ma was kidnapped, you know what happens when someone is kidnapped in the military,” Henry said. “They could’ve done things to her.” 

 

“Emma’s fine Henry, nothing’s happened to her,” She said, straightening her back. “She wouldn’t let that happen to her.” 

 

“She was acting weird yesterday Mom, she froze in the hall and almost jumped away when I shook her out of it. Do you think she had PSTD?” He asked. 

 

“PTSD dear and I’m not sure. Emma’s mental health has always been strong so I doubt it,” Regina said. 

 

“Don’t you want to check? Just in case? I know you care about her still,” Henry said and Regina slammed on the brakes. 

 

“Oh look, we’re here,” Regina said. He picked up his bookbag and got out her car. “I’ll pick you up after your club meeting. Text me though, when it ends. Just in case.” 

 

“I don’t know why. You always remember,” Henry called and she grinned, looking down. 

 

“I love you, Henry,” She said, starting to drive off. 

 

“Love you too, Mom,” He called and Regina left, turning out of the car loop. 

 

Henry’s words echoed in Regina’s head, distracting her from anything else. Even if she hadn’t been with the blonde long, she had noticed a change in the way she does things. The way she eats or well doesn’t eat. The way she’s constantly turning around, looking over her shoulder and her fear of the dark coming back in a horrifying manner. Picking up her phone once she stopped at a light, she called the base Emma had returned from.

 

“Hello, this is Regina Mills. I’d like to see the files for someone who has recently returned…..My wife, Emma Mills-Swan please,” She said. “Nothing like her rank or what she was doing, just evaluations, mental preferably…….for when she was deployed and when she returned…….could you send them to my email please, ERHmillsS@gmail.com please,” She said. “Mhm, mhm thank you, have a nice day.” 

 

Regina headed back to her house, anxiousness awkwardly creeping up on her. Only Emma made her feel like this and she hated it more and more each time. She was a strong-willed, intelligent, upstanding woman and one person managed to turn her into a kid on their first date. Any mention of Emma did this to her, made her second guess and go over everything more than once. Her hands felt clammy and a cold sweat ran down her back once she got closer to the manor. And once it was in sight, she let a shudder. Pulling up onto the driveway, she turned off the car and sat back, fiddling with her hands. What was she going to say? How was it going to go? She had spent the night before going over and over what she was going to say when the time came, how she was going to stand, how she was going to speak, what look she would have on her face but now…..all of that left her. All that was left, all that was on her mind was Emma and she hated it. She hated how she wanted her wife back, how she wanted her love back, how she wanted her life back. How she needed it back. Emma, Emma, Emma, it was all Emma. And no matter how much she said she hated her, how she said she despised her, she longed for her, she loved her.

 

Regina slapped the steering wheel in anger, wanting to scream. She hated her, she hated her, she hated her. She hated Emma for hurting her, for leaving her. For abandoning her. For leaving her empty, for tearing her heart out. But God did all those feelings immediately run away when Emma walked through the door yesterday. When she looked into her broken blue eyes, everything she had been prepared to say left her. Everything she screamed and cried for was gone in an instant and when she heard her voice…………..God, Regina wanted to fall to her knees. She was lucky no one noticed. Regina sighed loudly and closed her eyes, taking deep breaths. 

 

She needed to do this, she needed to or it would haunt her for the rest of the day. Regina took the keys out and left her car, walking toward the house. Her legs felt unstable under her and she almost dropped the keys, pushing them into the lock. Opening the door, the sound of the TV met her ears and she looked over, seeing Emma sitting on the couch. Her legs were crossed and her head was pressed against the pillows, eyes closed. She was sleeping. 

 

Her shoulders were tense and she looked stressed, eyebrows pressed together. So unlike how Regina was used to seeing her sleep. Emma used to take up most of the space she slept in but here, she tried to make herself as small as possible. Regina ran her eyes over her arms, showing through a tank-top. Her left arm was completely covered in a burn scar, her normal light tan now almost black. Her leg was in the same fashion but the burn only went down half her leg. Regina’s heart broke for her, knowing burns were a long-lasting pain, unconsciously rubbing her forearm. Her scar was long gone but just looking at Emma made her remember the pain. 

 

“Gina….” She heard her whisper and looked down, seeing her still asleep. “Gina….please.” Regina carefully sat next to her, making sure not to wake her and listened. “…...didn’t mean to…...please stay.” 

 

Was Emma dreaming of Regina leaving her? Just the idea made Regina want to take her in her arms and hold her. Even though the stuff Emma had put her through, she’d never leave her. Regina didn’t know if she’d survive. The brunette took Emma’s hand and Emma flinched but didn’t pull away. Her eyes fluttered awake and she yawned before looking around. 

 

“Gina? Regina!” She said, sitting up. “S-sorry for falling asleep here, I didn’t mean to. I…...sorry.” 

 

“You’re fine Emma,” She said, finally trusting her voice. “You’re just getting used to the time-zone again I suppose.” 

 

“Yeah,” The blonde said, looking down and finding their locked hands. “Did I…..sorry.” She tried to pull her hand away but Regina kept it there. 

 

“You…..we have to talk,” She said, looking down. She rubbed her thumb over the blonde’s hand, still soft through everything. “You have to tell me why you left. If you don’t explain anything else, you need to explain that.” Emma looked down. “Just that…….for me please.”

 

Emma nodded and sniffled. “Ok, out of everything I owe you, I should start with that.”

 

Regina hummed. “Yes, I suppose. So?” 

 

Emma took a deep breath and sighed, laying back against the couch. She turned and looked Regina in the eye, grasping her hand tightly. “I left because…”


	3. In The Wind

_ The truck rumbled underneath them and Emma gripped her rifle with a new-found nervousness. She had never been hesitant before and she couldn’t figure out why she was now. Her left arm twitched on her trigger, her index finger wanting to flex down at a moments notice. Her wedding band stood out against her pale-ish skin, the dark metal just on the base of her ring finger. She smiled at the thought of Regina and when they went to pick this out. Her wife insisted on a ring for her, one that was silver with a chocolate diamond but as soon as Emma tried her band on, her mind changed in an instant. “Get it before I change my mind again,” Regina scoffed but smiled after. Now every time she looked at it, it reminded her of the stern but relaxed brunette who owed her heart and the mixture of both of their best traits. And now on this mission, they kept her head up and heart strong, unbreakable. Even as a missile pierced the side of the truck, leaving her left side completely charred and broken, even as she was carried off into an unmarked vehicle, never to see the light of day for 4 years. _

 

“I left because I was scared and a coward,” Emma said. With those words, everything poured out. “I didn’t know how to deal or what to do. I felt useless to you, hearing you cry yourself to sleep at night, turning away from me but I did nothing. I was certain you didn’t need me, that you didn’t want me because it was my fault, just like everything has been so I ran. I just left you and Henry behind, like everything else in my life. I’m sorry Regina, I’m so so so sorry.” 

 

Tears streamed down Emma’s cheeks and she kept her head down, basically kneeling before her. Regina wanted to reach out and touch her, to hold her but she kept herself back, taking in a deep breath. 

 

“Of course I needed you, Emma why wouldn’t I have needed you? We lost our child, of course, of course, I needed you. I needed you through all of it, through every time we had to look at her from another side of a plastic screen, every time we took Lovi into the doctor’s office, every time we had to force-feed her medicine and she cried every time we stood by her crib after she fell asleep, just to make sure she was breathing,” Regina cried out, her self control melting away. “Why wouldn’t I have needed you when she died, she was our daughter and you were my wife. I lost both of you in the span of a month and Henry almost lost me. You don’t know all the things I thought while you were gone, half of them would break you down. I can’t on my hand anymore how many times I thought about killing myself or how many times I almost did it. And fuck, the only thing that kept me alive is our son and if I would have had you, God if I would have had you, Emma.” 

 

Emma managed to make herself seem smaller. “Regina……..I-”

 

“Let me talk, please. These have been in my so long and I need to get them out before I burst,” She almost growled. “You know how much I’ve wanted a daughter and even if Henry is the light of my life, it was still my dream. A perfect little girl and when we had Lovi, I thought everything was going to be fine, I thought we were finally complete. But when Lovi didn’t make it, I was broken, I was so broken. I knew all I needed was you and Henry to get better, to-to heal but I pushed you out and you disappeared. I just needed time Emma, I didn’t not need you. God, of course, I would need you, of course, I would,” Regina held her head back and tried not to feel the burning tears spilling down her cheeks. “You were my wife, the love of my life. The mother of my children even if one was gone. You said you’d never give up on me.” 

 

“And I did just that,” Emma whispered. “I have no excuse for my actions and I never expect you to forgive me for them. It has stayed with me every night I was in my bunk, every night I was crossing a border or driving towards danger and every night that  _ they _ had me. I should have just stayed put, I should have stayed and help you and been there for you and Henry,” Tears ran down over Emma’s lips and she no longer held them back. “But I….I was a coward and I still am. I still am a coward and I’ll never change and you should never forgive me,” Emma held her head, pressing it on the couch, wanting to scream and sink into the cushions. “Leave me as you should. Take Henry, I don’t deserve him, I don’t deserve you.” 

 

“Emma,” Regina gasped. “I’m not going to leave you or kick you out. You’re still my wife. Henry still needs you and I…”

 

“You don’t. No, he doesn’t,” Emma said, her voice cold. “You…..you both need to do what’s best for and-and that’s putting me on the street. I thought it over thousands of times. You don’t need me anymore, neither of you,” The blonde whispered. “I’ll go.” In shock and confusion, Regina laid a hand on her shoulder and Emma flinched, covering her face with her hands. “Please….. Please don’t hit me.”

 

Regina pulled her hand back and tried to meet Emma’s eyes. “Why would I hit...Emma,” She said. “I’ll never hurt you, I’ll  _ never _ hurt you but you just have to tell me what’s going on. What happened while you were gone?” 

 

They were quiet until Emma stopped shaking and could form coherent words. She sat up and subtlety pushed herself away from Regina, the brunette noticing and ignoring the jump in her heart.

 

“Emma Mills-Swan, Lieutenant of the 64th platoon. One of the three survivors of the bombing of Mavian although no one thought I was alive. I was reported killed in action for 4 years, 3 months, 21 days, 11 hours, 47 minutes and 22 seconds.” She went silent, closing her eyes and taking deep broken breaths. Her hand gripped the couch tightly and Regina put her hands over them, causing Emma to relax almost immediately.

 

“Short…..Shortly after the bombing, I was the only person who was awake. I was screaming for help, crying out in pain and I should have stayed quiet. If I was quiet maybe, just maybe they wouldn't have found me but, they did. I was taken and during those 4 years, I went through hell and purgatory, each hour of each day.”

 

“Emma,” Regina gasped, gripping her hands. Emma dryly chuckled, forcing back tears and looking away.

 

“Fed once a week, water twice a week, maybe even that. Interrogated about things I didn’t know and if I didn’t answer correctly beat until death. Or at least that’s what it felt like.” Emma didn’t dare look up into Regina's eyes while she spoke. She knew she would cry again if she did. “And all during that, I was recovering, barely, from my burns.” She flexed her hands, wincing as she stretched it. “6 infections and once it went completely numb. I thought I knew fear but that…...that was something else.”

 

Regina took Emma in her arms, forcing the blonde’s head down in the nook of her neck. Taking a deep breath, Emma tried to hold back her tears but they broke through and she sobbed, quickly wetting Regina's shirt. The only sounds either of them let out were sobs and whines, trying to get closer to each other. Emma gave in and wrapped her arms around Regina’s waist, crying harder, finally having her in her arms. They were silent, holding onto each other like they would both fade away. Emma shook in Regina’s arms, wanting to force herself to stop crying to just hold in it but she couldn’t. Everything was out and there was no way it was going back in. 

 

Emma cried, holding onto Regina for dear life. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry Regina. I wanted to be everything for you, the only thing you needed in life. Instead, I was and am nothing. I wanted to do right by you, to be the mother Henry needed but I wasn’t and I never will be. Hate me, please.” 

 

Moments passed, feeling like hours. Quiet, barely noticeable sobs echoed through the manor and the two women held onto each other like life or death hung in the balance. And maybe it did. 

 

Regina wanted to cradle Emma, hold her as close as she possibly could and love all of her trauma away. But she knew it wasn’t like that. She knew it was deeper than what Emma had told her. Knew it was deeper than anything she could see but she’d be damned if she wouldn’t try her best to help in any way she could. 

 

“Emma…...I could never hate you,” Regina started and more tears slipped from Emma’s eyes. “No matter how much you’ve hurt me, I’d never hate you. I will always love you, even through your mistakes. I know you meant me no harm when you left and now that you’re back, I can see that clearly. I still have to forgive you, you still need to know what you did was wrong but I could never hate you for it. Yes, I thought that I did but I know truly that I don’t. Nothing will ever change the way that I felt, that I feel about you. Nothing.”

 

“How can you love me after all I did…...I hate me, why can’t you?” Emma whispered. 

 

Regina moved closer to Emma and held her head in her hands, looking into her eyes. “Because I know the woman I fell in love with is not the woman you are right now.  You’re hurt, you’re damaged and you need to heal. We need to heal but we can only do that together so I will not give up easily. You shouldn’t either.

“I don’t know if I can forgive myself,” The blonde whispered. 

 

“Then I’ll forgive you for you. And for myself,” Regina said and Emma hiccuped. 

 

“Why?” She cried, breaking apart at the sight of brown eyes digging into her soul. 

 

Crying, Regina scoffed and laughed a bit. “It could be love or, or I don’t know…..I could just be crazy. But I know I’d do anything for you and I  _ know _ you’d do the same. I know it.” 

 

“How can you be so certain?” Emma squeaked, falling into Regina’s touch. 

 

“Because you’re Emma Swan. And if your past has proven anything, it’s that you try. You try and you try and you try. It’s just how you are Emma, and the woman I fell for.” 

 

Their faces were close, eyes hazed over and lost in each other. Regina leaned forward and placed a kiss on Emma’s forehead, the blonde holding in another wave of tears. 

 

“I have to go to work but I can and will stay if you need me to. Just say,” Regina told her, moving away and Emma almost reached out for her. 

 

“You have things, things to do. I-I get it,” Emma hiccupped, wiping away her tears. “G-go, I’ll be ok.” 

 

“Emma-” Regina started but the blonde cut her off. 

 

“I’ll be fine, I promise. I’m tired anyway, need to um, get some rest,” Emma said, looking away. 

 

They both stood, sniffling and wiping away tears. Regina walked over to the door and like a dog, Emma followed. The brunette opened it and with a somber smile at Emma, walked out. The veteran watched as she entered her car, pulling away from the house. Just as she disappeared from sight, Emma closed the door and sunk against it. Sobs threatened to spill out but taking a deep breath, she forced them inside, away. 

 

Regina, it was for Regina. For Regina, she could heal. For Regina, she could forgive. For Regina, she could try. Emma would give her all…..for her family. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this was late, had family over and traveling, you know. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed and please leave your thoughts in the comments. 
> 
>  
> 
> HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!


	4. Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I did,” She said, her voice slightly raising. “I did. I left you and our family and I’m not upset that you wanted to move on from me. I understand it.” 
> 
> “I didn’t want to move on from you,” Regina said. “I just wanted to forget who I was.” 
> 
> “I don’t blame you for that either. Just one more question,” Emma said and Regina nodded. “Has there been anyone else?” 
> 
> “After August? No…..never,” Regina said. “He was the only one.”

Emma lied awake in her bed, her covers long kicked over the side of her bed. She watched the fan above spin in slow circles, creating just a small gust of wind. Beside her, the red glow of the analog clock flashed and she flinched with each minute that passed. The ambiance of the house was her only companion. Her arm and leg pounded, an aching pain resounding through them, keeping her awake. Well, that and Regina. After she came back from work with Henry, they all had dinner together. Their son filled them both in on various random events that happened at school and both parents had a hard time keeping up. It was the first time she had smiled in a while. Genuinely. 

 

After dinner ended though, Emma felt eyes on her at all times. And she knew just who they were. Regina had been closer to her today, for sure, closer than Emma would have ever imagined her being. The older woman only spoke with her eyes and her movements and Emma read them perfectly. Loud and clear, they meant, “I still care.” And that touched Emma in a way she hasn’t felt since she came back to them. To her family. And as night came upon them, she got a gentle kiss to her forehead, emotions spoke through them. But still blocked, Emma couldn’t figure out what they meant. 

 

So here, she lied awake, staring that the spinning fan, her body slightly shivering with each gust of air. She watched it spin and spin, copying the gears in her head. And just as she closed her eyes, a gentle knocking on the door making her shoot up. 

 

“Co-come in,” She said, sitting with her legs crossed. Regina walked in, her robe flowing behind her. “Regina.” 

 

“I didn’t think you’d be awake,” Regina said. “I just wanted to check up on you.” 

 

“Oh um ok. Come in,” Emma said. Regina came in further, closing the door behind her. She sat on the other edge of the bed, her back turned to Emma’s front. “What were you still doing awake?” 

 

“Tossing and turning in my bed,” Regina joked and sighed. “Couldn’t force myself to sleep.” 

 

“Me either,” Emma whispered. Regina stretched her arm out and tried to take Emma’s hand, causing the blonde to hiss and yank it away out of instinct. She tried not to see Regina’s face when she did. 

 

“Oh Emma, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to,” Regina started. “Are you in pain? Can I do something?” 

 

“It just,” Thoughts roared through Emma’s head, many of them telling her to keep her pain to herself, to suffer. Regina’s gentle voice from earlier comforting her, saying that she was here for her. That she was safe. “There’s some ointment on the bathroom counter. I haven’t been taki-” 

 

Before she finished her sentence, Regina was back with the container of ointment, sitting next to her. 

 

“Gimme your hand,” She said, sticking her own hand out. Emma laid her hand in Regina’s and the older woman began applying it to her burnt skin. “Have you been to the doctor lately?” 

 

“I did before I came back,” Emma whispered. “They said it just takes time to heal, especially since it had been infected so much.”

 

“Why haven’t you been putting your medicine on?” Regina asked, her motherly tone coming out. Emma chuckled. 

 

“Just forgot,” She lied, a small voice nagging in the back of her head, telling her she deserved the pain. Soon Regina finished and the throbbing in Emma’s nerves calmed, dulling considerably. 

 

“Do you need some for your leg?” The mayor asked, staring Emma in the eye. Just as the veteran tried to shake her head no, a stern look and pointed eyes read through her. 

 

“Yeah…….yeah, I guess,” Emma said and Regina pushed up her shorts, starting at her thigh. They didn’t speak, both afraid to stutter over each other. Emma tried to keep her pain to herself as Regina’s palm eased the medicine in, moving to the outside of her thigh. It was bearable at least and the more she put on, the more the throbbing stopped. 

 

“My mom said that you were Mayor,” Emma said, breaking the silence making both of them relax. “How’s that going, I know you always wanted that job.” 

 

Regina chuckled. “Yeah, it’s actually better than I expected. After the last mayor, I thought it would be chaos in office but it wasn’t. Sure there were leftover problems but I managed to solve those almost under a month. I apparently was so good that they reelected me for my second term which is right now. My assistant, Lucy is saying that I could run against after this term.” 

 

“I wouldn’t expect any different,” Emma said, rubbing the black ring on her finger. “You were made for that job.” 

 

“Anyone could do it. I just do it perfectly,” Regina joked and Emma laughed. 

 

“Anything exciting happen during your first term?” Emma asked and Regina rolled her eyes at the memory. 

 

“Yes. You remember Robin Hood?” Regina asked and Emma shook her head. 

 

“Tall, dark, and creepy, was obsessed with you,” Emma said. “Why?” 

 

“Not even a month after you deployed, he showed up at my office. Said that he had moved back to Storybrooke for good and told me that he was starting a lumberjacking business and wanted a permit. I gave him one and yadda yadda he told me he wanted to take me on a date. I refused of course, who’d want to date him?” Regina said and Emma laughed. “Anyway, he got all mad and stormed out. The months that followed that he attempted to sabotage my election, the first time I ran. Luckily everyone saw how much of a dick he was and I won by a landslide. After that, he’s just been a constant thorn in my side about dumb things he should be capable of handling himself. He’s a ginormous child.” 

 

“I see but at least he was your only problem,” Emma said. In the back of her head, Regina’s words echoed, spreading panic in her body.  _ Take me on a date, _ over and over. Regina sensed her change in mood and raised her hands from Emma’s leg, the throbbing coming back. 

 

“What’s on your mind?” She asked and Emma shook her head. “Emma…”

 

“It’s nothing, I swear. Just dumb questions,” She whispered. 

 

“What? I...I know things have changed between us but you still can talk and  _ ask  _ me about anything,” Regina said and Emma sighed. 

 

“I’m afraid to know the truth about it,” Emma whispered. 

 

“About what?” Regina questioned, her tone copying Emma’s. 

 

“If…...if you’ve moved on,” She whispered, her voice shaking. 

 

“Emma, I still love you if that’s what you’re wondering,” Regina said, lifting her head. Emma stared into her eyes. 

 

“You can love someone and still…...you can catch my drift,” Emma said and Regina sighed, catching on. 

 

“You think I slept with someone else,” She said and Emma nodded, turning away. Regina watched a tear fall. 

 

Emma held her sounds but couldn’t hold in her tears. “Did you?” Regina was silent, hanging her head in guilt. Looking over at her, more tears spilled out of Emma’s eyes. “Gina..” 

 

“I didn’t,” She said, looking up. She wiped away tears and took a deep breath. “I didn’t but…..I almost did.” Emma let out a breath she couldn't recall holding. 

 

“How close were you?” She asked, almost afraid of her answer. 

 

“I kissed him….more than once,” Regina said and Emma hiccuped, turning away. “Never anything further than that, I swear.” 

 

Emma wanted to tear her heart from her chest. “How’d you start?” 

 

“Friend of a friend’s,” Regina said. “I want to New York for a month a few summers back. Left Henry with your parents. Business trip. His name was August.” 

 

“August....” Emma repeated. Regina took another breath before continuing.

 

“Taught me a few things about running my business and the town, just a few prioritizing skills,” Regina said. “During one of those lessons, he kissed me the first time and I hated him after. But I also hated myself after, constantly thinking about you. I tried to avoid him after that but our bosses put us together for a project so I was forced. Neither of us mentioned the kiss until there was this late night. We started to drink…..to let off steam about our deadline. Next thing I knew, we were in my hotel room, both half undressed. He pressed and I almost gave in but at the last moment, I pushed him away and explained. Talked about you for hours, it felt like.”

 

“He must have thought you were insane,” Emma chuckled and Regina smiled. 

 

“Yeah, he had to. After I was done, he smiled at me and said, “I knew it. I knew you were in love,” She explained. “Said that my eyes showed it even if my face didn’t. Knew it was a love that was unbreakable even through distance. He gave me his number and told me to call him once I was over you but as soon as I left New York, I threw it away. Never spoke to him since.” 

 

Emma was silent, letting it sink in. It was a lot but nothing that she didn’t expect. She was just lucky, lucky that Regina didn’t go further. 

 

“I’m not…..mad at you if that’s what you’re thinking,” Emma started. “I blame you for nothing, especially not for wanting to move on for me after I abandoned you.”

 

“Emma, you didn’t abando-” 

 

“I did,” She said, her voice slightly raising. “I did. I left you and our family and I’m not upset that you wanted to move on from me. I understand it.” 

 

“I didn’t want to move on from you,” Regina said. “I just wanted to forget who I was.” 

 

“I don’t blame you for that either. Just one more question,” Emma said and Regina nodded. “Has there been anyone else?” 

 

“After August? No…..never,” Regina said. “That was the only time.”

“I know. I can feel that it was,” Emma said. “It’s ok.” Regina sighed and her shoulder relaxed.

 

Silence fell upon them and their sober filled stares focused on the lake. The two women were closer than they started, hands almost touching. The older woman impatiently tapped her fingers next to Emma’s and let out a gasp when the blonde took her hand. Emma brought it up to her lips and kissed her knuckles gently. 

 

“I have another question for you,” Emma spoke and her breath brushed over Regina’s knuckles making her shutter. 

 

“What? Regina tried to contain her eagerness in her voice.

 

“Do you think we could start over? Act like we just met again?” Emma said. “It’s been so long and we’ve both changed, separately.” 

 

“Act like we started dating?” She asked and Emma nodded. “You think it would help?”

 

“It’s the only thing I’ve thought that doesn’t require me leaving….again,” Emma said. Regina rubbed her thumb on the hand of Emma’s hand. “What do you think?” 

 

“I don’t see how it would hurt,” The mayor said, flipping her hair from her face. “Plus I get to know my wonderful Emma all over again. One of my favorite parts of our relationship.” 

 

Emma chuckled, turning her head away to hide her blush. “I’m glad you think so. Want to know my favorite part of our relationship?”

 

“What?” Regina asked and Emma looked into her eyes. 

 

“You.”


	5. Storybrooke

Regina buttoned up her blouse, ignoring the shakiness of her hands. She zipped up her skirt, ignoring how the sound of the metal irritated her to her core. She put on her heels and grabbed her keys, ignoring the urge to lay back in bed with her wife. She had fallen asleep in Emma’s room last night, cuddling instinctively to the blonde. Just like they had years ago. It was one time she had slept the entire night, up until her alarm. She managed to leave the veteran’s hold even if everything in her begged for her to stay. 

 

Just as the brunette reached the front door, something stopped her from opening it. She didn’t want to leave Emma here alone, for the fourth time since she came back. It felt wrong, especially after the last night. With a sigh, Regina headed back upstairs and beelined to the blonde’s room. She hesitated before knocking on it, hearing a small jump from behind it. Emma almost immediately opened the door, yawning.

 

“Hey, I thought you already went to work,” Emma said, opening the door more and letting the mayor enter. “Why are you still here?” 

 

“I felt wrong leaving you here again. I know that you might not be ready to leave yet but do you want to come with me, to town?” Regina asked, cursing her voice for sounding so hesitant. 

 

“Into town?” Emma said in question but shook her head. “Yeah, yeah I wanna go. Think we can go to Granny’s like we used to?”

 

“Yes, of course. I still go there sometimes on the weekends with Henry, some sort of a tradition,” Regina said and Emma side-smiled.

 

“Cool, just give me a minute to get ready and I’ll be downstairs,” The veteran said and Regina smiled. 

 

“Ok.” She left the room and stood at the edge of the stairs, waiting for the other woman. Why did she feel so nervous? It’s not like she hasn’t gone to Granny’s in the past years or like she hasn’t been with Emma before. They used to go all the time, it was their thing. Emma got the special chocolate overload waffles and she would get a medium sized veggie omelet. Emma got coffee and Regina would be sated with a glass of water. Granny used to tell her that she wondered how they ever got together, they were polar opposites. Regina, lost in her thought and biting her nails, didn’t notice Emma leave her room. 

 

“You ready to go?” The blonde asked and Regina quickly pulled her hand away. “You’re biting again?” 

 

“It’s nothing, just a nervous habit,” Regina said. “Shall we go?”

 

“Gina, I know it’s not just a habit. How long have you been doing it?” She took the mayor’s hands, looking over her nails. They were to nubs, jagged edges all around. “Have you been scratching too?” 

 

“Emma, please don’t worry-”

 

“Tell me,” The blonde said with wide green eyes. Just like Henry when he wanted something out of her. 

 

Looking away, Regina couldn’t look at her partner’s face. “Yes. I’ve gone back to my lesser and slightly painfully habits.” 

 

“It’s my fault, right? You only do this when you worry,” Emma said, allowing her palm to openly run over the other woman’s nails. 

 

Regina blinked away tears and wanted to yank her hands away from the blondes but the soft comforting feel kept her there, unable to move. 

 

“I wouldn’t say it’s your fault even if I did worry over you,” The woman said, trying to keep her composure. 

 

“How many times have they bleed?” She asked and Regina choked on a cry. “You’ve never known when to stop if I wasn’t there,”

 

“Three,” She whimpered, “I’m sorry.” Tears overtook her and before they could fall, Emma took her into a hug. Even with her heels on, the veteran stood taller than her, making it able for Regina to cry in the crook of her neck.

 

Emma kissed her wife’s forehead and whispered, “You have nothing to be sorry for, Gina, it’s on me. It’s my fault. I made you worry.” 

 

Regina was at a loss for words, trying to keep her sniffles to herself even if it was Emma. The blonde started to press kisses against Regina's neck, hoping on a small memory from what felt like long ago. It worked as the women’s cries sensed and she held onto Emma for dear life. 

 

“Ok?” Emma whispered and Regina nodded, pulling away. “Will you tell me what you’re worried about?” She took Regina’s hands, seeing them flinch as she spoke. 

 

“You….being in Storybrooke again. It’s not the small town you remember, it’s almost a city now. The mayor’s office is basically in a skyscraper and Granny’s is a full-blown diner. Nothing is the way you remember it,” Regina said, leaning on her chest. “I just don’t want to you get overwhelmed or, or scared.” 

 

“I won’t. Regina,” She tilted the brunette's head up. “I promise I won’t. Out of everything, change will be good for me. If I saw old Storybrooke, I’d-I’d break down because it would remind me of my past…...mistakes.” The blonde took a breath and kissed Regina’s cheek. “You don’t need to worry for me.” 

 

“It’s all I’ve been doing for years,” Regina whispered and pain hit Emma’s heart like an arrow. 

 

“You don’t need to do it anymore. I’m here, I’m alive,” Emma whispered back. “I promise I’ll stay this time. I won’t leave you.” Regina was calm enough to bring her face up and wipe away her quickly drying tears. Emma smiled at her, brushing a lock of hair from her face. “Let’s get you cleaned up and we can head to Granny’s right?” 

 

“Yeah, yeah ok,” Regina said, nodding. They went to their- Regina’s room and to the bathroom. Emma faintly remembered her makeup process but she always remembered what she used when she needed to clean her face. Take a makeup wipe and rub it over her face then take a wet towel and get the rest. She used to do it all the time when Regina happened to fall asleep during work. 

 

The brunette stared into green eyes as Emma wiped the makeup away from her face, her heart fluttering. Emma was gentle, the wipe almost floating over her face but she managed to get every black tear from her ruined mascara. Once she was done, she took just a bit of her makeup and applied what Regina would call a natural look. 

 

“There, finished. I mean it looks good to me but you know I have no idea how to do makeup,” Emma said, trying to raise the mood. Regina chuckled, looking at herself in the mirror. Emma had applied just enough makeup to where she looked bare-faced but still put together. 

 

“Thank you,” She said and Emma nodded.  

 

“It’s fine, the least I could do,” The blonde said, looking around the bathroom. Regina’s side was spotless, almost shining and she looked at what used to be her side. Most of her things were gone as expected but her old toothbrush and cologne were still there. “You kept those?” 

 

Regina turned and saw Emma staring at her old things. She blushed and began to stutter. “I could um never bring myself to throw them away. Something to remind me.” 

 

“Yeah, I get what you mean. When I left, I stole the bottle of your favorite perfume. I just sprayed it on my pillow when I slept, it helped. Especially after they rescued me,” Emma said, running her hand down the marble countertop. “Anyway, I’m starting to slowly starve. Should we head out?” She looked at Regina and saw her staring into her eyes. In a moment of silence, they let out something that would never be properly said if they tried. 

 

“Yeah, let’s go.”

 

*** * ***

 

They arrived at Granny’s almost 15 minutes later and just as Regina said, it was more of a waffle house instead of a family diner. It looked that same, although bigger and with more people. Emma recognized some faces but a lot was new and it made her slightly nervous. Regina walked over to a table in the corner and Emma followed like a child in its mother’s footsteps. As they sat, Emma felt more relaxed, her brain realizing she was in a public place. 

 

Someone came up to them behind Regina and placed their hand on the mayor’s shoulder. “Ms. Mayor, your usual?”

 

“Yes Granny and as you can see, I brought a guest,” Regina said, raising her hand towards Emma. 

 

“And how may I-Emma! Emma Swan!” Granny yelled and quickly took the blonde in a hug. “Oh my lord, you’re home!”

 

“Yeah, Granny I’m back,” Emma said, chuckling. The older woman looks didn’t change a bit and she still smelled like cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate on a cold morning. 

 

“I missed you so much dear! You don’t know how good it is to see you!” Granny exclaimed and Emma smiled sheepishly. “You look the same.” 

 

“So do you Granny. But your place, it’s different,” Emma said, looking around.

 

“Well, your beautiful wife here took some advice that the past mayor didn’t and gave me the fund to renovate. Bigger place means more money and it means I can retire,” She said and Emma laughed. 

 

“Granny, I know you wouldn’t be able to keep still if you retired,” The blonde said. 

 

“She wouldn’t but I would,” A voice said, from behind Emma. She jumped and Regina glared at Ruby as she came up beside Granny. “Emma, Regina.” 

 

“Ruby, you’re just as scary as ever,” Emma said, hugging her friend. 

 

“And overly hyper,” Regina scowled. Emma smiled, the look sparking things in her heart. 

 

“And you two are just as annoyingly in love as ever. How are you in love with her scowl? What the hell Em?” Ruby joked and Regina scoffed. 

 

“Something you wouldn’t understand until you’ve settled down,” Granny said, staring at her granddaughter. “Speaking of with, what’s with the Belle girl?” 

 

“And that’s where I bounce, talk to you later Emma. Regina, give her my number,” Ruby bounced off into the kitchen, leaving them. 

 

“Nevermind her Emma, what can I get you?” Granny asked. “Your old usual?” 

 

“No, actually. Can I get some french toast and a small veggie omelet?” She asked. “And uh, water?” 

 

“No problem dear, all be right our with that,” She said and went off into the kitchen.

 

“Vegetables? Who are you and what happened to the old Emma?” Regina joked. 

 

“How about you find out? We can do 20 questions like we did on our first date,” Emma said, smirking. 

 

“You are just as lame as you used to be though,” Regina said and sighed. “Fine, let’s go. What's your favorite food now?” 

 

“I’ve taken a new liking to surprisingly enough, broccoli,” Emma said, smirking. 

 

“Broccoli? You like broccoli now?” Regina exclaimed. “They sent back a clone of my Emma, you’ve never liked broccoli.” 

 

“I know but it was usually the only vegetable they had so it was the one I got. It also tasted better than anything they cooked,” Emma joked and Regina smiled. “So yeah, I like broccoli now.” 

 

“That will still never sound right to me but ok. Your turn,” Regina said and Emma sighed. 

 

“Ok. Um, do you like any junk food? And not the healthy kinds, like the ones me and Henry used to stash,” Emma said and Regina smiled. 

 

“I have actually, one of my new, well old favorites is fudge pops. You know the chocolate popsicles? I can’t survive without a box in the freezer,” Regina said and Emma smiled. 

 

“I might have had one yesterday cause I thought they were Hen’s but you have good taste. Finally trying chocolate that’s not dark,” Emma said and Regina laughed. 

 

“Dark chocolate is amazing and will always be amazing Emma, you have to broaden your horizons. Broccoli is a good start though,” The brunette said and Emma chuckled. 

 

“My horizon to food has been a little…..restricted so you might have to help me out. I have a new found appreciation to food now as well,” Emma said and the food they ordered was placed at the table just as she finished her sentence. 

 

The blonde flinched, wanting to dive into her food but remembered what the last doctor said. 

_ “So I can’t eat?” Emma asked, confusion growing in her gut. The doctor walked around, looking at various files but Emma all knew who’s they were. Hers. Everyone had been in her business since she returned, asking questions and sticking needles into her uninjured arm and leg. She just wished they would leave her alone, she wished she could be in her bed, staring at the ceiling. She wished the pain would stop.  _

 

_ “It’s not that you can’t eat,” The doctor said, her voice awakening Emma from her head. “It’s that you must take it slow. You’ve been without a constant food source for almost 4 years. Your stomach has to build up to eating again and that will take time. You’ll have to limit your portions and take your time eating.”  _

 

_ “Is that why my stomach hurt so much these past few days? They’ve been stuffing me with food,” Emma said and the doctor said, putting her hand on Emma’s shoulder. The blonde jumped and shook the seat. She quickly pulled her hand away and stared down at the survivor.  _

 

_ “Just take your time and watch what you eat. But also enjoy it, you’re back. You have your freedom back.”  _

 

_ Emma stared at the floor, her arm and leg throbbing. “Do I?” _

“Emma, are you ok?” Regina’s voice and her hand on Emma’s, rubbing her thumb on the back of Emma’s hand. “Where’d you go?” 

 

“Nothing, it’s just-” Emma cut herself off, looking into wide brown eyes full of concern. Her insides relaxed and she let out a shuddering deep breath. “Thinking about one of my doctor's visits.” 

 

“Was it something about eating?” The mayor asked and Emma nodded. “I probably have little to no knowledge about it but I did some research after what you told me. You have to take it easy right?” 

 

“Yeah but that was a long time ago. Lately, I’ve just been losing my appetite,” She told her. “I’m not sure if I’ll finish this.” 

 

“That’s fine. Eat what you can and we’ll work from there,” Regina said, rubbing her thumb on Emma’s knuckles again. “It can be something we can do together.” 

 

Emma looked up and smiled slightly. “Yeah, together…………thank you.”

 

“You have nothing to thank me for. I’m your wife,” Regina said and popped a piece of omelet in her mouth.

 

Emma tried to ignore the fuzzy feeling building in her chest. “Yeah...my wife.”


	6. Fathom & Baelfire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: This chapter deals with anxiety, depression and panic attacks. It'll be in bold if you'd like to skip
> 
> Just when you thought things were getting better, here comes this chapter. Enjoy!

_Her hands shook, trigger finger jumping around. Gunshots rang out through the building, getting closer to where ever they were holding her. The chains holding her up shook as explosions shook the building, rubble falling from the ceiling. Shouting and men running past her door bore hope into her heart but she couldn’t believe it. She was never getting rescued. No one knew where she was if they did why weren’t they here sooner? Why did she have to spend weeks, months, years in here if they could easily find her? Why did she have to be alone here?_

_The gunshots and shouting got closer and closer until the men running the direction of it were retreating, going back from where they came. The stomping of military grade boots got closer and echoed in her head until they stopped in front of her door. They didn’t notice her though, they were talking among themselves, using SEAL code that she knew by heart. With all the strength left in her body, she tried to shake the chains holding her up, barely letting her touch the ground._

 

_“Foxtrot,” She weakly said, forcing her dried out mouth and throat to speak. “Foxtrot, Alpha, Tango, Hotel, Oscar, Mike.” The talking behind the door stopped and someone shushed. She repeated. “Foxtrot, Alpha, Tango….Hotel, Oscar…..Mike….Mike.”_

 

_“Fathom?” Someone said from behind the door. “Lieutenant Swan?” Suddenly, the door started to bang, like they were ramming something into it, trying to get it open. “It’s open!”_

 

_Her eyes fluttered open and shut as they released her from the chains but she managed to look at his dog tags before she passed out. “Baelfire.”_

 

*** * ***

 

Emma bounced her foot up and down, her fingers messing with the ring that was hooked on her dog tags. People rushed around in front of her, boots echoing throughout the hanger. She only needed to see one person and leave, that was it. Just the one man and she could enjoy her ‘retirement’ as Ruby called it. The waiting chair felt uncomfortable, rubbing her jeans against her burns and she just wanted to give up and leave. But she couldn’t, especially not after Regina telling her it was a good idea and that she needed to see him. She remembered each word of what she said to her earlier today. 

* * *

 

_“What if something goes wrong?” Emma said, pacing. “I mean if they don’t let me in?”_

 

_“They’ll let you in, I’ll make sure of it,” Regina said, waiting patiently on her bed, watching the other woman._

 

_“What if he doesn’t remember me or, or he’s mad about something?” Emma says._

 

_“Of course he remembers you, Emma, you two were partners. He was your Sergent, you don’t forget things like that.” Regina got up and walked the slightly taller woman. “What’s really on your mind?”_

 

_Emma laid her head on Regina’s shoulder, groaning lightly. “I can’t do this. I can’t go back there, I don’t even know why I thought about it.”_

 

_“Why can’t you go back?” She said, her voice free of any judgment._

 

_“I don’t want to run again. Every time I go to the base, I think about getting on the earliest plane and flying away. I don’t want to but it’s in my head, urging me, pushing me.”_

 

_“You don’t want to run?” Regina asked and Emma shook her head. “Then why would you?”_

 

_“I don’t know. I just…..” She sighed, putting her hands on Regina’s hips and pulling her closer. “I just want to stay here with you..and Henry.” Her fingers dug until the official's jacket tighter at the mention of his name._

 

_“You can’t stay in the house forever,” Regina said, ignoring that her heart skipped a beat when Emma grabbed her. The veteran groaned, holding Regina just a little tighter before letting her go._

 

_“I know, I know. I just wish that I wouldn’t………..I don’t know. I just don’t want to leave,” She said. Regina brushed a blonde curl from her face and smiled softly at her._

 

_“I know, I wish I didn’t either and I hate that it feels that the world would fall into chaos without us together but it’s something we have to do. It’ll be the weekend soon.”_

 

_Emma rested her head on Regina’s shoulder, sighing loudly. Regina rolled her eyes with a smirk. Like mother, like son._

 

_“We’ll spend time together, right? This weekend?” She said hopefully and Regina’s smile grew larger. They were twins of each other._

 

_“Promise. We can take Henry out of school early and drive to the beach like we used to.” Regina stroked her hand over Emma’s cheek and the blonde leaned towards it before hesitating and pulling away. The mayor hides her hurt face. “But we’ll only do that if you go see him today. Talk to him, I know you need to.”_

 

_“I know, I know I will.” Emma stood up straight and sighed. “Thank you, Regina.”_

 

_She smiled once more. “You’re welcome, Emma. Now let’s go before you miss your chance.”_

* * *

 

“Lieutenant Swan? Emma?” Someone said in front of her and she looked up. There he was, looking exactly like he did every day. Hair spiked up stupidly with a dumb grin on his face.

 

“Cassidy, it’s, it’s good to see you,” She said, standing and walking over to her. Instead of taking her handshake, Neal pulls her into a hug.

 

“It’s so good to see you, Emma, I’m so glad you’re ok.” His arms around her make her feel suffocated and locked away and she just wants to retreat. “God, I missed you.”

 

“I missed you too Neal, and your incessant need to hug everyone,” She said, tapping on his shoulder and he lets her go with a laugh.

 

“Sorry, just a lot goes through my head whenever you’re around. All those years and now you’re back,” Neal looks into her eyes. “It’s just a lot.”

 

“Yeah, yeah I know what you mean,” She says, chuckling. “How are you doing, I mean with your family and everything?”

 

“Great! Great, actually. Me and my wife have been reconciling and getting our things on track. She’s taking well to my raise.”

 

“Yeah, rescuing a Lieutenant could give someone quite the pay raise,” She jokes, chest feeling lighter. Somehow he always made her feel better.

 

“Yeah...yeah you’re Lieutenant, or you were. Somehow I feel obligated to salute to you,” He joked and Emma cringed.

 

“You, you don’t have to do that. I just um, I just needed to talk to you. About when you found me and why you were there, if-if you can of course,” She said, stuffing her hands down her pockets.

 

“Oh...yeah, yeah, of course, I can. Come with me, it’ll be better to talk in my office.” Neal stepped to the side, gesturing his hand down a hallway. One she knew like the back of her hand. Taking a step past a restricted line on the ground, Emma let out a shaky breath and started walking. “So,” Neal said. “How are you doing, are you recovering well?”

 

“Um, about as well I as can get. I’m, I’m eating more and my burns are getting better. Trying to get back in with my family,” She said, side smiling. “What about you? I just remembered your foot.”

 

“Oh yeah, that. They gave me a state of the art prosthetic one you know? Not exactly the real thing but close.” He said and dryly laughed. “My daughter likes to think I’m a cyborg now.”

 

“I bet you go right along with that,” Emma said chuckling back and he laughed. “So where’s your office?”

 

“Oh yeah, right this way,” He said, walking ahead. The further they got, the further an unsettling feeling took place deep in Emma’s stomach. “This might be kind of awkward to you but…”

 

Neal opened a door into a room Emma never wanted to see again. Her old office. She wasn’t in here when she redeployed but it all just stuck to her, sticking fangs into her body, sucking her dry. Neal pulled out a seat for her and she took it, anxiety seeping deeper. Her chest started heaving hard and she just wanted to sink away.

 

“So um, Emma _,_ what did you want to talk about?” He said. Emma shuddered and looked him in the eye.

 

“How, how, how did you find me?” She said, stuffing her hands between her legs. “I mean how did you find yourself in the building I was. I didn’t even know where I was.”

 

“Well, our Captain told us that there was a place they were suspecting was a hideout. Turns out it was and we staked it out for a few weeks, maybe two.” He crossed his arms and leaned back. “During the stakeout, we saw them transporting people in and out, in and out. I told our captain and he told us whenever we were ready, we could lead a charge. A few days later we did and we managed to get every recorded prisoner they had. Most of them were refugees that they thought were spies. They weren’t so we freed them and they got out, got to doctors. Most of the men that we didn’t….incapacitate, retreated so we followed like protocol.”

 

“There was…..none of you knew about me?” She said, foot bouncing uncontrollably. “Nothing, not even a rumor?”

 

“Emma, there was nothing about you. After the bombing, they declared you dead, lost in battle. Not even a POW. It really was just luck we found you, we would have passed right by the first time and if we didn’t happen to get you then….” Neal trailed off, sighing and looking down. Her face dropped and she leaned back, frowning. “Look, Emma, I want you to know that I never stopped looking for you, hoping you were alive. There wasn’t any trace of you in the jeep after the fact but I wasn’t going to give up. I stretched out every lead that I could to try to find you but they all lead to dead ends.”

 

“So when news spread of this place, it was just chance?” She said and he nodded. “That’s…...that’s disheartening.” Silence passed and a wave washed over Emma, weight dragging her shoulders down.

 

“None,” His voice cracked and he sat up, clearing his throat. “None of our superiors wanted to believe that you survived and none did until I brought you back. Even then they told me that it was luck that you were alive. But imagine if we found you sooner, imagine if we just got there sooner if they went along with what I said and went after you right after the fact.”

 

“What?” Emma said, shooting up. “Right after the bombing?” They could have got her?

 

“Yeah, it was an option. There was satellite service of the convoy that took you 4 hours after the fact and it followed until it reached a hideout. It was heavily guarded, guards every square foot and mortars but we could have taken them. We had enough manpower,” Neal sat up and hit his hand against the desk. “We wouldn’t have lost you if they had just listened to me.”

 

 _ **“You, you, they…..what?”** _Emma said and her chest heaved, breathing getting harder and her tongue dryly laid in her mouth. “I….I need to go. I need to go.” Emma stood, almost tripping over her feet as she tried to make it to the door. “I need to go.” She couldn’t swallow, coughing loudly. Her throat felt tight, an invisible hand gripping down onto it harder and harder with each passing second. Her legs shook under her as she managed to open the door and stumbled out into the hallway. She dragged herself along, head spinning, wanting to drag her to the ground. Water rolled down her head and the only coherent thought was Regina. She needed to get to Regina, she needed Regina.

 

Emma pulled her phone from her pocket, fumbling as it unlocked and she got to her messages. Her eyes fazed in and out, focusing and unfocusing faster than she could handle. Seeing one name at the top, she pressed it and it started dialing. It immediately picked up.

 

“Emma? What’s up, dear?” Her angelic voice traveled into her head, calming her drastically but not enough. Emma panted, coughing and laid against a wall, dropping to the ground. In the background, she could hear Neal’s voice but couldn’t focus on it. “Emma, what’s wrong?”

 

“Need,” She said, words slurring with sobs and cries. “Need, need Gina.” Her chest tightened and she gasped for air, water streaming down her cheeks.

 

“Emma, tell me what’s wrong, please,” Her voice got more and more concerned, sinking Emma deeper. The hallway darkened around her eyes and she cried harder. “I’m coming to get you, are you still at the base?”

 

“Gina still,” She sobbed and heaved, laying flat on the ground. “Need Gina, Gina.” Her cries got louder and her phone dropped from her hand, next to her head. The last thing she heard before darkness clouded her vision was her wife **_crying her name._**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can someone who has panic or anxiety attacks tell if I wrote this correctly? Open to constructive criticism.


	7. Family Tremors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sad, sad tears sad. Prepare your tissues, I cried while writing the second half of this. This chapter is very family-centric, hope you like it.

She paced the hospital’s waiting room, tapping her fingers on her biceps. 2 hours, it had been 2 hours since she got Emma’s call. And there she had waited for 2 hours, basically teleporting to the hospital with how fast she drove. If she was anyone but the mayor, she’d be sitting in a cell. She couldn’t sit, think or calm down. The only thing on her mind was Emma Emma Emma. She needed to see her wife. 

 

According to Neal, she had just missed her being rolled into a room. He told her that physically, Emma was fine but something happened and she freaked out. After demanding to know what he told her and possibly scaring the piss out of him, Neal finally broke and explained. He explained how they were always so close to rescuing Emma but never did and how they could have saved her 4 hours after she was taken. Instead, they waited 4 years. 

 

Emma’s breakdown started to make more sense. Learning that they could have been there, that they knew where she was even if it was for a second. She was sad for a moment before rage flowed through her again. They could have saved her wife and chose not to. She’d not let them get away with this. Neal had tried to explain why they didn’t act when they could’ve, Regina shut him down. The only words she wanted to hear for the rest of the day, she wanted from her wife. And possibly their son.

 

Sitting down, Regina closed her eyes, blinking away tears. Emma had a panic attack. How could she not have known? Ever since the blonde returned her anxiety levels rose through the roof. It was obvious to notice. She didn’t sleep, Regina heard her walking the halls at night. She ate small portions of whatever they had. She was reluctant to show any emotion and while she thought Regina didn’t notice, she did. She noticed everything.

 

She groaned frustratedly and dragged her nails down her sleeves. How could she not have seen Emma would’ve had one? How could she not have paid more attention to her? She was her wife, the love of her life, she was supposed to take care of her. They were supposed to know each other, she thought she knew Emma better than anyone in the world. But that was the old Emma, the person she is now isn’t her. Will she ever get her back?

 

Holding back tears, Regina sniffled and leaned on her knees, staring down at the spotted floor. What could she do to get her back? What could she do to help her? She was supposed to help her, she was supposed to be there for her. Why couldn’t she be? What was she doing wrong?

 

Tears fell onto her shoes, dotting the leather heels but she couldn’t bring herself to care. She only wanted Emma, she only wanted her to be ok. She sniffled, trying to hold herself back but she couldn’t. Is this how Emma felt?

 

“Ms. Mills-Swan?” Someone said. Regina shot up, wiping away her tears.

 

“Yes? That’s me.” She met the nurse halfway. “How is she?”

 

The woman gave her a comforting smile. “She’s doing ok. All it seems is that her nerves went up and she couldn’t bring herself down. I know it wasn’t part of the reason she was here but I have a burn doctor come and take a look at her. Her arm and leg are healing up nicely, she just needs more rest.”

 

“Is she awake?” Regina asked and the nurse nodded. 

 

“Yes, I’ll take you to her. Right this way.” 

 

Regina practically ran to her room, following the nurse right on her heels. The closer they got, the more the need to be by her side worsened. Soon they reached the room and Regina spotted her well worn red leather jacket on a coat rack, her boots next to it. 

 

Emma was sitting in bed, looking around. She was spinning her thumbs nervously, trying not to show her awareness of her wife entering the room. Regina could tell she was uncomfortable being there by her posture. Shoulders slouched and head down. She could tell that many things were racing through her wife’s head and she just wanted to alleviate her pain. Walking towards the other woman, she watched Emma’s chest raise faster as her excitement increased.

 

Regina sat near her wife’s view and grabbed Emma’s hand, rubbing her finger over the blonde’s knuckles. She heard Emma’s breath hitch and placed another hand on her arm. With a whisper, she began, “Hey.”

 

“Hey,” Emma said quietly, looking Regina in the eye. Green met brown and Regina felt herself explode from the inside out. Tears ran down her cheeks faster than she could wipe them away and she wanted to lean onto Emma’s chest but stopped herself. “Don’t cry, Gina please.”

 

She sniffled, sobbing harder, not bothering to try and wipe them away. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t see, I’m sorry I didn’t…..I didn’t help. Emma, I-” Tears ran down her cheeks and she felt her makeup being ruined. “I...I wanted to h-help but I didn’t know how. Emma, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s not you. It’s not your fault. You didn’t cause my panic attack, you’re not the reason for my anxiety-”

 

“But I am. I know I’m at least of part of it,” Regina said. “I know that you have to be thinking that I want more from you or something like that but I don’t. You don’t have to be ok Emma, not yet. The only thing you need to be for me is Emma. Just my Emma.”

 

Emma sniffed, feeling tears well up. “I….I can’t. I’m not Emma anymore, I’m just something empty. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.” 

 

“You are Emma,” Regina said, going to hold her wife’s face. “You’re my wife, you’re Henry’s mother, you’re Ruby’s best friend, you’re Mary Margaret's first child and daughter. Just because everything’s not ok in here,” She tapped her thumb on Emma’s forehead and stroked her hands down to the blonde’s chest. “Doesn’t mean everything’s not in here. You’re still yourself, you just need to find yourself again.” 

 

“I can’t,” Emma sobbed. “I can’t do it alone…….I can’t be alone again, I can’t.” She leaned into Regina’s chest, holding her shirt tightly. “I can’t be alone…..I don’t want to be alone.” 

 

“You won’t be. Emma, I’ll be with you every step of the way, every step I promise,” Regina whispered, allowing the blonde to sob into her chest and allowing herself to cry alongside her. “As long as you’re here, I’ll be with you. I’ll never break that promise.” 

 

They went silent, wrapped up in each other. Their sobs echoed through the empty room, the only sound beside the low tv in the background. Regina's arms around her should have felt claustrophobic like anyone else's but they weren't. They were cradling, they were loving but most of all, they were safe. She was safe, she was home. Regina was her home and she'd be damned if she ever left.  

 

*** * ***

 

Henry was due home at any moment and they were waiting patiently. Regina glided around the kitchen, cooking one of her son's favorites and Emma sat at what used to be her usual spot, in one of the high chairs on the island. She felt strange, like something in her chest was trying to come out but she didn't know what. 

 

She used to watch Regina like this all the time but now it felt brand new. Like something's she's never witnessed before. She knew she should have felt wrong for enjoying her own personal paradise but she didn't. She was content and carefree for the first time in 5 years. It almost overwhelmed her. 

 

The blonde started staring off into space, her eyes trailing her semi-dancing wife in front of her and a true smile formed on her face. Regina was swaying her hips side to side, gently voicing the words to whatever song that was playing on the radio. Emma leaned on her elbow, watching intently and feeling her stomach fill with butterflies. Her voice was full of giggles but she dared not to let any out in fear of stopping the show before her. But unfortunately, it soon came to an end as the front door opened. 

 

“Hey Mom, and Ma, you're here!” There was a large smile on his face as he put his bookbag done and came up next to her. Emma stood and took her son in a hug, smiling wide. “I heard what happened, are you ok?” 

 

“Yeah, I'm fine. Your mom came to see me.” She smiled again, hugging him tighter. “You ok?” 

 

“Yeah,” he said but they both heard the crack in his voice. Emma tried to pull away but he held her tighter. “Don't, don't go just yet. Please.” 

 

Emma felt tears wet her shirt and held him tighter. “Yeah, yeah of course. Regina?” 

 

The other woman walked over, setting her apron down and hugging her and Henry from the side. Her hand went gently through his hair, causing him to sniffle and hiccup as he began to sob. He stretched his arm to wrap around his other mother, grabbing a piece of her shirt and balling it up in his fist. Henry cried between them, everything he was holding in, everything he kept inside to be strong, coming out in full force. 

 

Emma didn't speak, allowing him to get out everything he had to. She had been living with them again for two weeks and the time they were together, Henry barely spoke to her. They chatted about him in school and the most recent epic video games she missed but she had yet to hear anything from him truly. She realized she had been gone for a while but she also knew that she knew her son. Henry never hid any emotions from anyone, it just wasn't how he was programmed. He always expressed everything, from him being happy because there was a new movie coming out and he knew he'd be able to see it from him crying when his dog died. Henry was expressive and Emma knew something was wrong when she couldn't tell what he was feeling. 

 

But now, with his tears, his sniffles? Emma could tell everything her son was giving off. He missed her. He missed her so much, it was painful and he was angry because of that. He's angry that she missed so many birthday parties and he's angry she didn't take him to school dances and parties. But most of all, he's sad. He's sad cause he didn't understand why she left when he was younger. He's sad because he heard she died and he lost his mom for good. He lost her and he'd never get to feel her arms around him again. Never get to feel her annoying noogies and embarrassing kisses when she dropped him off at school. He's sad because even though he knows she felt because of his sister, he thinks it's his fault, that he wasn't a good enough son for her to stay. 

 

“I'm sorry Henry,” Emma whispered, feeling more tears fall from herself. “I'm sorry I missed out. I'm sorry I couldn't take you and your mom to the movies on the weekends when we were both off from work. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you girl advice and boy advice. I'm sorry that I wasn't here to scare away the monsters from the dark and stay by your side until you fell asleep.”

 

Emma pulled away and bit and he tilted up his head. She placed a hand in his face and stroked his cheek and her thumb brushed away any falling tears.

 

“I'm sorry that I missed out on our annual pizza stuffing days and I'm sorry I missed out on laying on the couch and seeing who could burp loud enough to annoy Regina.” He grinned and laughed through sniffles, causing Regina to smile. 

 

Emma kneeled in front of him, staring into his eyes. Henry sniffled and blinked, trying not to cry anymore. Emma took his hands and stroked her thumbs over his knuckles. “And Henry, Henry I'm sorry that I made you feel like it was your fault. It wasn't, it's not. I didn't want to leave you, I'd never think of that but I was a coward, Henry. I couldn't face what was happening and I wrongfully left you behind. You're the light of my life Henry, please please never forget that. You're the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. You and meeting your Mom.” 

 

Emma looked up to Regina and then down to the ring on her wife’s finger. Taking a deep breath, she began.

 

“Regina, I'm sorry for everything I've done to you. I'm sorry that I took your trust,” she laid her hand on her wife's head, “your love,” she placed her hand on Regina's chest, holding it there for a moment feeling her heartbeat and breathing deeply “and I'm sorry that I couldn't raise our son with you. I'm sorry you were alone to deal with everything that came your way, that you had no one to talk to when you needed someone. When you needed me. I’m sorry I made you feel unwanted, both of you. And please,” Emma started to cry more, unable to control herself. “Please know that I will never leave you again. Please know that I’ll be here forever, I’ll never leave you guys. You’re my family, my family and I love you. I love you so so much and I’m sorry.” 

 

Henry dropped next to his mom and put his arms around her. “I love you too Ma, and I forgive you. I know it was hard and even if I don’t fully get it all, I know. I know that you love us and I know that you never stopped. That’s all the matters to me.” Emma took her son in her arms, crying and holding him as close as she could. Henry looked up to his mom and stuck out his hand. Regina, through tears and shuttering breaths, took it and kneeled by her joys. 

 

She placed her hand on Emma’s neck, leaning her forehead against her wife’s and cried along with her. Emma turned and looked at her, breathing heavily and looked down at her lips. Going along with her instincts, she leaned forward to softly kiss her lips. Regina gasped but didn’t pull away, starting to cry harder. It felt like an eternity since they last kissed and it drew the breath from her lungs. Unlike the scorned skin of the hand in hers, her lips were just as soft as she remembered them being. And they did the same things to her heart just as they did before.

 

The kiss spoke words neither of them could force out. It brought forth emotions both of them though were dormant within their hearts. It let out things they had no way of showing physically but the greatest of them it brought back their trust. Their trust in each other to love, to hold and to protect the only thing they would die for. And if this family had each other, nothing would defeat it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This'll be the last of the super super sad for a bit. Now it's time for the healing, don't you think they deserve it? I'm not sure if they'll be an epilogue but maybe. Until then, this has been an amazing add-on to my fanfics and I love SwanQueen. This won't be my last fic of theirs but to me, it was a good start. I love you guys and I hoped you enjoyed it

**Author's Note:**

> My first fully-fledged SwanQueen fic. Tell me what you think in the comments! Until Next Time ;D 
> 
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> 
> P.S. this chapter made me almost cry several times, prepare for the rest of this fic


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